Stop helping your kid!

My daughter screams in frustration from the bedroom. It's first thing in the morning and she's getting dressed. She has gotten her head through the hole of her shirt but can't find the arm hole. Or she has pulled the sock around her toes but can't get it to slide up. I know this because it's the same every morning.

"You ok?" I ask from the mirror in the bathroom.
"Yes" she answers through her fussing voice.
Now, I'm positive that she is not ok. She has been fussing over the shirt for more than 5 minutes. She has actually cried.
I have, however, learned from daily experience of this scenario with her that 'yes' actually means 'I want to do it myself' (in some cases she actually answers 'no. but I want to do it myself'). This is ok with me. After she fusses and whines about the shirt, she'll find the sleeve, get her arm in and repeat the process with her pants. She'll fuss, cry and maybe even scream. I'll offer encouragement. I'll offer her assistance. I'll remind her to take a deep breath. I will NOT go into the room and shove her arm into the sleeve, or her leg into the pants, or her foot into the sock.
You may be upset with me by now. Why wouldn't I go in there and help my child? You might be thinking what a poor little girl I have, to be ditched when she needs me most every morning.

Sure. You can think that. It really doesn't bother me.
But if you'd like to keep reading, you'll learn it's SO much more. You see,
Montessori taught me that helping child who can do a task on their own, is actually hindering them more than it is helping them. When I interfere with tasks they want to do (and are capable of, albeit at a different pace or rhythm than me)...





1. I'm stripping them of a great sense of accomplishment.
2. I'm preventing learning from their own mistakes.
3. I'm telling them they CAN'T do it.
4. I'm teaching them DEpendence instead of INdependence.
5. I'm saying, I'm better because I'm older, wiser, more coordinated, etc.
6. I'm saying, You're little and thus inferior.
7. I'm making it clear that I don't trust that they can do this... or worse! I don't trust their confidence to do this.

The list could go on, I'm sure. But you get it.
MoonSeeker is 3 1/2 and she knows full well which tasks she can do and which she needs help with. I trust her to make these choices. She knows when she wants to try something challenging, like pouring the milk from the gallon jug or the cereal from the bin we use. I know these are new for her so I stay near by or I even stop and give her a proper lesson, depending on the new task she has chosen.

I'm not about to tell her she can't accomplish these things by my action of doing it for her. I'm not about to deny her the pride of a job well done just because I want it done faster. 9 times out of 10? she totally gets it done. Did she take the long way? Yes. Did she fuss? Yes. Did she cry? Maybe. Did I fight the urge to take the vest and zip it up myself?! Yes. Yes, I did.




Some days, she can get all the tasks done with no fussing. Other days are tougher. Just like adults. Good days. Rough days. Most days, we have the time to allow for her to take things at her own pace. This is the single most effective addition to our days and ensuring it runs smoothly once we're out the door. But is it every day? Of course not.

Are there days when we're late and I literally don't have time to wait for her? YES! And on those days. I explain it to her. (this is another area that parents feel some weird opposition to). Would you explain to your partner that you woke up late and could he make the lunches to help you? Yes. Would you explain to your visiting mother that you mixed up the times and must leave in 20 minutes to make it to your meeting? Yes. So when she sees you running frantically to get ready, she helps or at least gets out of the way. The same courtesy should be extended to your kids. If you explain your stressful situation to them, you'll be surprised how far they rise to the occasion. I started this years ago when my husband's ship was underway and I needed them to understand all the things I was thinking about. The empathy it fostered was life altering. Empathy that I return when I let them take 10 minutes to put on a single shirt. 

What is the result?

A super confident little girl who, when faced with adversity, has the gumption to give it a try and another try and another. Until she knows she can do it. Then she uses that knowledge to accomplish it next time too. "No thanks, I can do it." is another phrase she says frequently. Because she knows she can do it.






I will never be responsible for taking that away from her.

"& though she be but little, she is fierce."
~Shakspeare

ING
Jen